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Very interesting discussion on End of Life care - join us

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  • My mum is 92 and a couple of years ago discussed a care plan with her GP and family. Palliative care only no extreme intervention and definitely not surgery. She also completed a DNACPR form. The GP only wanted to do it annually in case she changed her mind! But she laughed and said "What does he think I'm going to do dear at my age,get up and do a jig?" She hopes she will go in her sleep but knows that may not happen her two main fears are having a another stroke but being "locked in" or getting dementia.
    We also have power of attorney and wills. I've also got POA ready for me if needs be.
    Plenty of open discussion in our family helps having a daughter in the business (intensive care) who deals with death and dying everyday and works hard with patients and family members to ensure that its a 'good death'. We need to talk about this subject as openly as possible. It is after all our ultimate lot but we've become much more divorced from the subject because of medical and social care whereas as less than 50 years ago family members would be far more likely to be involved in the care.
    I've spent time working with sick and disabled children and adults and sat with friends dying in hospices. It makes you thankful for everyday you have and an awareness of the impermanence of it all.
  • FireFire Posts: 19,092
    Tessa, how wonderfully sensible of you all. It's so good to talk about how you have done this; hopefully it will inspire others to get their act together.
  • AuntyRachAuntyRach Posts: 5,290
    This is such an important subject for us all to think about. I have seen in both my personal and professional life that is people have discussed death, their own wishes and own beliefs with their loved ones, then when the time comes for the end of life a small amount of pain and distress can be lessened as we can become advocates for those who cannot perhaps contribute to decisions regarding their care, place of death or funeral. 




    My garden and I live in South Wales. 
  • DovefromaboveDovefromabove Posts: 88,138
    As you say @AuntyRach , it's so important to talk ... my parents had done their POAs years ago, and my brother and I had copies of their wills ... we had spoken on several occasions about what their beliefs and wishes were and how they would want to be treated if the time came when they could not make their wishes known ... because of that we were able to ensure that we made the decisions for them that they would have made had they been able to.  That, and the fact that they had also spoken to their GP practice about what their wishes were made things so much easier for them and for us.  

    Gardening in Central Norfolk on improved gritty moraine over chalk ... free-draining.





  • FireFire Posts: 19,092
    I have been reflecting over the last few days, that, in the UK at least, bringing up the subject of death is seen as impolite and uncivil. To want to talk about the subject is regarded hurtful, unnecessary and downright unkind. It often seems to bring on a kind of emotional panic, as we are not skilled up with the vocabulary, emotional literacy or handles on realism to begin the conversations. So it's a pretty new realm we're going into here (though perhaps people were better at it in previous centuries when death could not be hidden so easily. I don't know).

    If the main response to end of life planning is "why are you trying to hurt me like this?", we cannot get very far. To reframe the discussions as ones about compassion can be hard work if your loved ones see it as the polar opposite.

    Death in our culture is often seen a failure, and words are used like stolen, taken, battle, robbed and lost. If feels like an aberration, somehow all a mistake, it's no wonder people try and fight and hide from it.

  • There are events now which help you think about these events I've been to a Death and Dying weekend and to a couple of Death Cafés. Not at all morbid but uplifting,positive and helpful. 
  • AuntyRachAuntyRach Posts: 5,290
    That resonates with me @Fire. I think most people find that talking about death brings up emotions of times gone by or painful memories so they block going any further with it. 

    Have a look at this site:
    https://www.dyingmatters.org/

    Leaflet resources:
    https://www.dyingmatters.org/page/dying-matters-leaflets

    And specifically about Resuscitation:
    https://www.dyingmatters.org/sites/default/files/DNACPR%20Patient%20leaflet_A4.pdf



    My garden and I live in South Wales. 
  • raisingirlraisingirl Posts: 7,091
    I think many people are detached from deaths, even of those close to them. If you aren't the one that deals with the doctors and the official processes, if you aren't the one trying to get the bills paid and to manage the affairs of those in some stage of terminal decline, then all this talk of preparations seems rather like wishing someone dead. If you have gone through it, and when you eventually come out the other side of the grieving process, however long that takes, then your perspective on the discussion will have altered.

    I tried for a while after my parents died to persuade my in laws to talk to OH about their intentions and wishes. They and he don't want to contemplate it. There is only so much you can do to force the issue before people start to become offended by the 'what if' questions
    Gardening on the edge of Exmoor, in Devon

    “It's still magic even if you know how it's done.” 
  • raisingirlraisingirl Posts: 7,091
    So we have the legal right to starve to death  :(
    Gardening on the edge of Exmoor, in Devon

    “It's still magic even if you know how it's done.” 
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