Jokes

Pat EPat E Posts: 6,396

BAD PARROT 

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. 

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity. 

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. 

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

S. E. NSW
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Posts

  • DachaloverDachalover Posts: 776

    .......may I ask what the turkey did ? image image image

    ....here's another wee one for you...

    A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
    balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
    The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
    Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf 
    balls."

    Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
    time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
    After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
    longer, she asked,

    "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

  • Pat EPat E Posts: 6,396

    Poor blondes. They always get it.image

    S. E. NSW
  • Joyce21Joyce21 Posts: 11,630

    Laughter to start the day image

    SW Scotland
  • Hostafan1Hostafan1 Posts: 15,146

    tee hee. image

    Folk  in the Hotel Reception are looking at me oddly for tittering. image

    Devon.
  • Pat EPat E Posts: 6,396

    Titter Away Hosta. It’s good for you. 

    S. E. NSW
  • josusa47josusa47 Posts: 873

    What's long and sticky?     A stick.

    What's brown and sounds like a bell?     DUNNGGG!!

    Why can't you starve in the desert?     Because of the sandwiches there!  

    (If you don't get that one, try reading it aloud)

  • DachaloverDachalover Posts: 776

    A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom.

    "You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."

    The four year old nodded his head in approval.

    "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell, and you say ass, okay?"

    The four year old agreed with enthusiasm.

    The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast.

    "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

    WHACK!

    He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

    The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

    "I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be Cheerios!"

  • Pat EPat E Posts: 6,396

    I love the ones that make me laugh out load Dacha. image

    S. E. NSW
  • KT53KT53 Posts: 2,213

    Local man playing golf with a vicar.

    First hole the man hooks the ball off the tee and swears long and loud.  Vicar tuts to himself but keeps quiet.

    Second hole the man slices into the rough and swears even more.  Vicar tuts out loud but still says nothing.

    Third hole the ball goes straight but ends up in the deepest bunker on the course.  The air turns blue and the vicar has had enough.  He says to the man that if there is any more profanity the Lord will strike him down.  The man apologises and all is OK for a few more hole.

    Then.....  Nice easy putt and the guy misses.  Every swear word known to man comed from his mouth, the sky goes black and and there is an enormous clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning hits.  There on the ground are the frazzled remains of the vicar.

    A voice comes from the heavens ..... S*** missed again.

  • josusa47josusa47 Posts: 873

    Reminds me of the Queen fan who wanted Bohemian rhapsody played at his funeral.  They played it at the end as the mourners were filing out of the chapel.  The chap who'd provided the CD was a bit too slow going back in to retrieve it, and it had gone on to the next track. The mourners who'd started to come in for the next funeral weren't impressed to hear "Another one bites the dust."

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